Monday, July 22, 2002
What monday?I slept till 5pm, and did none of the things I'd intended. Nothing unusual there then.
Strange dreams though.
I was walking through an area near where I live, in the dream, and came across a graveyard where my first love's school once stood. Out of curiosity, I wandered through, looking at the graves, and came across the grave of that first love. I was shocked, and fell down and cried. I didn't know she had died... no-one had told me, though strangely it didn't seem out of place... as if I'd known all along.
Later, I found myself in a hospital. My father was dying, and I was there to visit him. I went into the room, but couldn't see him till a nurse came in and opened the door to a broom cupboard. Slumped in the bottom was this naked, sick, withered old man, crying. I hugged him, and he hugged me back.
I know what the dreams mean, though that makes them no less disturbing. The first love being dead is a simple acknowlegement that my relationship with her is long in the past, and should be left there. An acceptance that yes it does hurt, and always will, but that history is history, and doesn't need to be dug up whenever something reminds you of it.
I guess the bit with my father is a part of me needing to reconcile my differences with him, to forgive him for being such an asshole when I was a kid, before it's too late. I don't know how I feel about that. I've been angry with him my whole life, blame him for a lot that's wrong with my life now, and know it'd be much easier to continue to shut him out. It's one I'll have to think on, for though part of me clearly wants to forgive him, the greater part of me isn't remotely the forgiving type... and to reopen a door I closed years ago is a very big deal.
Steve 7:20 PM [+]
Comments:
Post a Comment
The Benway Empire |
 |