Thursday, September 11, 2003
I'm feeling a little agitated today.I've never much liked shrinks, mostly because I think they rarely get to the root of a problem, but also largely because I find them very often to be smug self richeous assholes.
I also don't like talking about my family here, mostly because my relationship with my family is no-one's business, and also if I were to say something bad or inaccurate about them, they're not in a position to correct what I've said or defend themselves.
However, today I'm going to make an exception, as both a shrink, and a member of my family are the major cause of my being agitated right now.
So here's the story.
I acompanied my mother to see her psychiatrist today. She's a very nervous person at best after having had a nervous breakdown several years ago. I was with her partly because she doesn't like travelling alone, and partly because the psychiatrist wanted to see a member of her family.
No biggie, it was just a routine review to see that her medication was doing the job and to get an outside perspective. It did mean I had to entirely turn my sleep pattern upside down in order to be awake in the morning, but for her own peace of mind, it's worth doing that every once in a while.
"Every once in a while".... there's the thing.
It would seem that daily routine, while being good for my mum's state of mind, isn't entirely good for her short term memory. When every day's the same as the last, it's.... well, I guess a simple way to put it would be to say it's turning her brain to mush. She's aware of it, and I can see it myself when I visit her.
Me: "What did you do today then?"
Mum: "Nothing really."
Me: "Watch any good tv shows? Listen to any good music?"
Mum: "I can't remember. I don't think so."
See what I mean? There's just very little.... there.
Getting back to the point, the shrink considered this and said I should go and see her more often, give her things to do, take her places... whatever. Something to occupy her mind.
I can see his logic. He's entirely right, she does need something to actually keep her brain ticking over.
However.... and this is what's really got me wound up... I'm 35, have a girlfriend who lives with me, and a life of my own. It upsets me greatly, makes me feel like a bad son, that I resent so much being expected to hold my mum's hand, to be a crutch to support her through life.
I sit here looking at what I've already written, and it's like "You asshole? You don't want to help your own mother?"
Yes I do, but I also want to be able to live my own life as I see fit, without having to keep turning it upside down to accomodate her needs. Parents are supposed to bring their kids up and then let them go, not abandon them in their early teens and then cling onto them later in life.
Obviously I have more issues going on here than just the present situation, the history of my family is a difficult one at best. I've cast off a lot of the shit that happened, and a number of family members with it. I can't and won't shut out my mum... she's my mum and I love her, but that's starting to feel like... being chained to her. I feel trapped.
Does that make sense?
I feel angry at her for being fragile and struggling in life, for needing my help... and I feel angry at myself for being angry with her, as none of it's her fault. I should be happy to be able to help, when really I just want to shake her, shout at her to get a grip.
Needless to say, she's completely unaware that I feel this way. I always put on a happy face when I see her, and will always do so. I'm a selfish and often cold hearted person in many ways, but even though it aggravates me to feel so obligated, I don't want to upset or hurt her.
Okay... that's probably the most open and frank view you will ever see of how I think... a glimps inside the not altogether nice mind/life of Benway.
I probably shouldn't even post it here, but fuck it, I needed to get it off my chest, regardless of how ugly it sounds.
Labels: annoyed
Steve 4:05 PM [+]
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