Saturday, September 04, 2004
Huh. Weird.I just had a recurring dream again. Oddly, though I've been having this dream for years, this is the first time I actually remember having it, if that makes any sense.
In real life, I finished school when I was 16 and didn't do nearly as well as I should have. I wanted to stay on for another 2-3 years to ratake certain subjects and then do A levels, but my dad wouldn't let me (yeah, he's always been an arsehole).
So in the dream, I was in a lesson and realised I didn't have the books with me that I needed for the next lesson... and then realised I didn't actually even remember what the next lesson was. I decided I'd skip the next lesson and go home to get my timetable and books. Then I figured what the heck, I'd just skip the whole day, or maybe the rest of the week.... and it goes on.
Gradually it dawned on me that I'd been doing this for years... skipping classes and generally making no effort... and that I was no further down my educational road than when I'd started.
So I gave up and decided to leave altogether. I wasn't actually gonna tell anyone... I just wouldn't go back. Saying that though, I did go into my art class (always my favourite lesson) and handed back a blank canvas. My teacher looked at it and asked what I was doing and I told her I quit. She said well that's a pity coz I'd won an award for "number 4" (my last painting... it doesnt exist in real life) and that if I left I wouldn't recieve it.
I left anyway.
There may be those who'll speculate on the meaning of this dream, but save yourselves the trouble... I know exactly what it means. It's something that's been gnawing away at me for years, only this is the first time I've remembered the dream itself for long enough to think about it.
I bumble along through life doing the absolute minimum necesary to stay exactly where I am. I'm a lazy git, and if I would just get up off my arse I could actually achieve impressive things... I just don't do it coz I'm comfortable where I am, if not particularly satisfied.
This then brings me along the the other really big thing that's been eating away at me.
Quite literally... what's the point? I mean... the point of living?
Seems to me there are only 2 things that keep people going. The urge to reproduce. It's a very strong biological function that must surely be the main driving force in all animals (since other than humans, animals don't have one other thing to drive towards). The 2nd thing, and this is purely a human thing is religion, and the belief in a better life after death, in whatever form that may take.
So... I've rejected both of those. I don't want kids... not ever... can't stand them and don't even care for relationships much these days.
I don't have faith in any religion. I have my own very specific (and probably quite esoteric) beliefs, but absolutely no faith in those beliefs.
Having written off those two things I just keep asking myself "what on earth am I doing here?" and I don't have an answer.
Don't get me wrong and start worrying. I have no urge to die and don't plan on doing anything to bring that time any sooner. It's just that life seems somewhat pointless, so that when that day does come, I don't think I'll care all that much, beyond a curiosity to see what if anything comes after.
This I think has always been my problem. I'm capable of an awful lot of things, being talented, intelligent (even if my spelling does suck) and often intuitive, all tied together with a strong sense of logic. In with all of that though is a need to know the reason why.
Like... when I learn how to do things, if you say to me "do this, this and this", the first thing I will ask is "why do it like that?" If I don't understand *why* a thing is done a certain way, I either don't learn to do it very well, or simply fail to learn it at all.
So... why do we live? I know. It's a cliche, and the question that's been asked pretty much since the first day humans learned they could ask questions.
Trouble is, untill I know the answer... or at least *an* answer, I feel I'm gonna continue making a pretty poor job of it.
Labels: dreams
Steve 3:06 AM [+]
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