Saturday, September 04, 2004
Huh. Weird.I just had a recurring dream again. Oddly, though I've been having this dream for years, this is the first time I actually remember having it, if that makes any sense.
In real life, I finished school when I was 16 and didn't do nearly as well as I should have. I wanted to stay on for another 2-3 years to ratake certain subjects and then do A levels, but my dad wouldn't let me (yeah, he's always been an arsehole).
So in the dream, I was in a lesson and realised I didn't have the books with me that I needed for the next lesson... and then realised I didn't actually even remember what the next lesson was. I decided I'd skip the next lesson and go home to get my timetable and books. Then I figured what the heck, I'd just skip the whole day, or maybe the rest of the week.... and it goes on.
Gradually it dawned on me that I'd been doing this for years... skipping classes and generally making no effort... and that I was no further down my educational road than when I'd started.
So I gave up and decided to leave altogether. I wasn't actually gonna tell anyone... I just wouldn't go back. Saying that though, I did go into my art class (always my favourite lesson) and handed back a blank canvas. My teacher looked at it and asked what I was doing and I told her I quit. She said well that's a pity coz I'd won an award for "number 4" (my last painting... it doesnt exist in real life) and that if I left I wouldn't recieve it.
I left anyway.
There may be those who'll speculate on the meaning of this dream, but save yourselves the trouble... I know exactly what it means. It's something that's been gnawing away at me for years, only this is the first time I've remembered the dream itself for long enough to think about it.
I bumble along through life doing the absolute minimum necesary to stay exactly where I am. I'm a lazy git, and if I would just get up off my arse I could actually achieve impressive things... I just don't do it coz I'm comfortable where I am, if not particularly satisfied.
This then brings me along the the other really big thing that's been eating away at me.
Quite literally... what's the point? I mean... the point of living?
Seems to me there are only 2 things that keep people going. The urge to reproduce. It's a very strong biological function that must surely be the main driving force in all animals (since other than humans, animals don't have one other thing to drive towards). The 2nd thing, and this is purely a human thing is religion, and the belief in a better life after death, in whatever form that may take.
So... I've rejected both of those. I don't want kids... not ever... can't stand them and don't even care for relationships much these days.
I don't have faith in any religion. I have my own very specific (and probably quite esoteric) beliefs, but absolutely no faith in those beliefs.
Having written off those two things I just keep asking myself "what on earth am I doing here?" and I don't have an answer.
Don't get me wrong and start worrying. I have no urge to die and don't plan on doing anything to bring that time any sooner. It's just that life seems somewhat pointless, so that when that day does come, I don't think I'll care all that much, beyond a curiosity to see what if anything comes after.
This I think has always been my problem. I'm capable of an awful lot of things, being talented, intelligent (even if my spelling does suck) and often intuitive, all tied together with a strong sense of logic. In with all of that though is a need to know the reason why.
Like... when I learn how to do things, if you say to me "do this, this and this", the first thing I will ask is "why do it like that?" If I don't understand *why* a thing is done a certain way, I either don't learn to do it very well, or simply fail to learn it at all.
So... why do we live? I know. It's a cliche, and the question that's been asked pretty much since the first day humans learned they could ask questions.
Trouble is, untill I know the answer... or at least *an* answer, I feel I'm gonna continue making a pretty poor job of it.
Labels: dreams
Steve 3:06 AM [+] (0) comments
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Jesus Christ!Ever have one of those dreams where you know you're dreaming but can't wake up? You try and try to force yourself to wake up, and then you think you've done it... you sit up in bed, get up and everything... but you're still trapped inside the dream.
I just had one of those.
Must've 'woken up' over a dozen times but still couldn't get out.
I'm writing it here so I don't forget, coz you just know that by morning it'll have gone.
Oddly, I was in my own bed... but it wasn't here, it was back in the family home where I gew up, and my mum and dad were asleep in the next room, or on another occasion I was in the bedroom of my first flat on this estate... both times though the head of the bed was against the window. Another time seemed to be connected to one of the jobs I used to do...they knew I was in trouble or something, and sent a power surge down the phone line to try and purge the system... which worried me coz I though it might blow up my dsl modem. This in itself is odd coz I've only ever had dsl here. Just shows how interwoven the whole thing was.
So the thing is... each time I woke, I couldnt move, couldnt speak or shout... and I sure tried... and there was someone or something in the room... often just a shadow, or a flickering light... or a flickering shadow hovering over the bed. This thing was attacking me. Sometimes it would just rip the quilt off the bed, another time it was trying to smother me, and another it threw me right out of the bed.
The very last time... no last time but one... or two, before I managed to wake up for real, I managed to get out of bed. I pulled the light chord but the lights didn't work. The room was huge and this thing was in there with me. I finally found the door and got onto the landing, but there were still no lights. I opened the door to my parents bedroom and they were there, but really pissed off that I'd opened their door. So they came into my room to see what was wrong and there was this 'thing', like a tall red and black almost liquid moving column of something,,, maybe energy... and it was *me*.... and it was coming for me. It was angry that I'd escaped.
At this point I knew I was still dreaming and started thrashing about.. I got up, still no lights, telling myself "wake up wake up wake up", walked across the huge dark room and went out of the door... found myself in some kind of darkened corridoor or reception area, deffinitely work related... and knew I was still dreaming, so I opened my eyes, forced myself to put out the cigarette I was smokinng and put the ashtray on the floor... it was so hard to move and not close my eyes again...
And then I woke up for real, threw the quilt off, sat up straight away, turned on the light, checked I really was in my own room, got up got dressed came in here and wrote this.
Now I don't want to go back to bed.
Labels: dreams
Steve 9:24 PM [+] (0) comments
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Three days of non-stop cartoons coupled with a bad case of gas from all the vegetables I ate last night combined to give me some pretty freaky dreams.I can kinda remember three separate episodes that stand out among a whole load of weirdness.
1: Back at Deanshanger where I grew up, I was walking past the primary school and happened to see someone hanging about under the giant willow tree. I went to take a looksee, and it turned out to be some stunning gothic girlie with braided black hair and blue finger nails.
We chatted briefly and then she came back to my family's house with me for a ride in my car. Now here's where it gets weird. My car was a Ferrari 308 GTB, obviously, but my dad also owned a white Lamborghini Diablo and a white Lotus Esprit Turbo which he let us drive on occasion. Amusingly, my brother owned a ratty old green Ford Capri.
So anyway, I went to ask my dad if I could borrow the Diablo, as my Ferrari was blocked in by my brother's capri. My dad being the asshole that he is got all stroppy and started jumping into the cars and driving them away so I couldn't drive any of them.
Needless to say, I went into a screaming rage and started trashing the circuitboards from the company's latest compuer project (where this comes in is beyond me, but it made sense at the time) until I got some satisfaction. As it was, I ended up getting fired and feeling like a complete idiot.
2: A much smaller scene. I was wandering through one of the local housing estates and happened to spot what looked like an abandoned industrial estate. Someone I knew approached me and told me that yes, this was indeed the long lost estate of something-or-other (it had a name, but I cant remember it) which had been knocked down some 10 years ago and no-one had seen since.... quite a mystery, and I was very lucky to find it. We went inside to check it out, and despite being mostly empty, there were still some people working on the loading bays.
3: This one despite being the last one before I woke is also the vaguest.
I was wandering around the house, fed up coz my girlfriend (an amalgam of every girlfriend I've ever had... which makes for a very curious creature) didn't want to have sex with me and was being all grumpy at me for even suggesting it. I was going to go back to the willow tree to look for that gothic girlie when I was woken by a very loud cow mooing.
All of these though being fragmented are pretty easy to understand... not that I'm gonna explain them here... I just felt like putting them in writing coz they're so well formed and easy to remember. The most amusing bit of all that is the cow mooing. Turns out it was arry playing the cow sample we use in the chatroom. She triggered it... and my laptop's hooked into my stereo, so it came out fairly loud.
Some of you may be able to hear that very moo on this blog, as I embedded it into the page... depends on your active X settings, and if you've patched your OS. Mine doesn't play it.
Labels: dreams
Steve 9:03 AM [+] (0) comments
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Good god do I have strange dreams sometimes.It's rather tricky trying to remember it accurately, as the order certain things happened in is a little confusing, but here goes...
This seems to have been set in the future, maybe 5 or 10 years from now, and the country's become something of a police state, though I was actually in my teens.
I was out in town with a group of friends, just messing about and having a laugh. We were in something like a cross between a skateboard park and a market, pulling faces at cctv cameras, when I suddenly became aware of an abnormal mental image flickering through my head. Very abnormal... it made me go quite crazy for a couple of seconds. "Did anyone else feel that?" I asked my friends. They had, and were equally freaked out. I walked back up to the cctv camera again, and it happened again. Like a combination of voices and images... instructions. I wandered away from the camera and up to a store front selling hi-fi equipment, and it happened again.
"Holy shit!!! It's subliminals. All of the electronic equipment's sending out subliminal instructions" I announced to my friends. There was obviously a huge government conspiracy at work here, only for some reason, it wasn't working quite right on me, as it started causing me to hallucinate and go rather off my head.
I went home in a very distressed and confused state, and announced to my parents that something was very wrong. I couldn't think straight and kept hallucinating. "We were afraid this might happen. Here, drink this... it'll help." My mother (it should be noted that my parents in the dream were not the parents in my real life. They were top secret brain surgeons for the government) handed me a mug containing a pink liquid. I took it from her, and was about to drink it when I asked "What is this? What's it going to do to me? Is it some kind of brain blanking sedative?"
"It's called ROM." my mother replied.
"What the fuck's going on here? You're in on this aren't you?"
She explained to me that they'd used me and my friends to trial a new government sponsored brain implant, kind of like a brain emulator, that took over all of the normal day to day functions of the brain, dealing with behaiviour, motivation and suchlike, so that the real brain could develop to it's full potential and concentrate on things such as creativity. Everyone in the country now had these implants, but that the earlier models, such as those used in the trials were just beta models and had a few bugs in them. The subliminals I'd detected were a government upgrade, but that because my implant was not exactly compatible, it'd caused a software error. The drink she wanted me to take was a software patch.
I was utterly outraged, and along with my friends started an underground movement to try and raise awareness of these implants through outlawed rock concerts, and every kind of social gathering of your typical couter-culture type group.
Kinda makes you wonder huh? Brigitte had dragon dreams after playing Syro for a few hours, and I have the most sinister kinda dream when I mess with emulators and shit for a while. The human mind's a very wierd thing indeed.
Labels: dreams
Steve 1:47 PM [+] (0) comments
Thursday, August 22, 2002
How very odd.You know how sometimes your memory attaches certain images to particular pieces of music? You play a song, and it can give you a brief flashback... something that happened maybe years ago.
Well, I've been laying here just dozing, listening to Pop by U2, with it on repeat. 3 times now, track 11 - 'Please' has come on, and at a praticualr point in the song, a fragmented geometric shape has appeared in my head, for the very briefest of moments. The first time I thought nothing of it, as I have images of all kinds of crap floating about in my head all the time. The second time, I thought "that seemed a bit familiar", the third time, I realised this tune was triggering a memory of something, though I still have no idea what. I can't actually describe the shape, as the exact memory of it's gone, the moment it disappears from my head. The nearest I can get to it is something like this (..--| --|-- | ) It's like... a cross between morse code and metal railings. WFT is that all about?
Steve 6:20 PM [+] (0) comments
Monday, July 22, 2002
What monday?I slept till 5pm, and did none of the things I'd intended. Nothing unusual there then.
Strange dreams though.
I was walking through an area near where I live, in the dream, and came across a graveyard where my first love's school once stood. Out of curiosity, I wandered through, looking at the graves, and came across the grave of that first love. I was shocked, and fell down and cried. I didn't know she had died... no-one had told me, though strangely it didn't seem out of place... as if I'd known all along.
Later, I found myself in a hospital. My father was dying, and I was there to visit him. I went into the room, but couldn't see him till a nurse came in and opened the door to a broom cupboard. Slumped in the bottom was this naked, sick, withered old man, crying. I hugged him, and he hugged me back.
I know what the dreams mean, though that makes them no less disturbing. The first love being dead is a simple acknowlegement that my relationship with her is long in the past, and should be left there. An acceptance that yes it does hurt, and always will, but that history is history, and doesn't need to be dug up whenever something reminds you of it.
I guess the bit with my father is a part of me needing to reconcile my differences with him, to forgive him for being such an asshole when I was a kid, before it's too late. I don't know how I feel about that. I've been angry with him my whole life, blame him for a lot that's wrong with my life now, and know it'd be much easier to continue to shut him out. It's one I'll have to think on, for though part of me clearly wants to forgive him, the greater part of me isn't remotely the forgiving type... and to reopen a door I closed years ago is a very big deal.
Steve 7:20 PM [+] (0) comments
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